M N E M O N

2003-03-19T07:41:00.000-05:00

My current temp assignment has moved me to an off-site file storage facility. This means no daytime internet access, and only brief dial-up access at home in the mornings and evenings. Tomorrow, I'm going out of town for four days. And next week, I'm probably working at the storage facility, as well as preparing to leave for an international trip on April 2nd. Bottom line: there isn't much blogging time these days. I apologize to my three readers for the hiatus, and I'll be back for sure in mid-April. I might manage to squeeze something in before then. Thanks for your patience with me.

2003-03-13T17:25:00.000-05:00

Normally, I won't put two postings that involve the same person so close together, but today is the sixth anniversary of Donna's death, and I can't help but think about the memories I have that relate to her. However, the one I'm putting down today really only tangentially features Donna, as you'll see.

More directly, it features Drew, a person who will almost certainly make his cameo in more than one of my future entries. When I'm in a light mood, I refer to Drew as "my high-school obsession-crush." However, this designation overlooks, among other things, the fact that that crush extended well beyond high school into at least my first two and a half years of college, and in some sense continues today. Like all good obsession-crushes, this one's foundations were shaky at best. There is no question that Drew and I were friends, forging a connection soon after we met at the beginning of our junior year of high school. And I suppose it can't be denied that I fell for him, hard. The thing that throws everything into cloudiness is my seemingly limitless ability to idealize him, in the face of what was often his selfish, thoughtless behavior.

Drew had a girlfriend throughout the two years during which we spent mornings together at a regional magnet school in Mediumville. But it wasn't purely my imagination that made me think we had a chance. He was often intoxicatingly affectionate, and his friends all thought our relationship was headed somewhere. Some days, I too was convinced, and I lived for his hugs and teasing comments. But Drew had a selfish streak a mile wide. I can't count how many times in high school and after that he broke commitments with me, always with some excuse just plausible enough to be unassailable. Or how many times, once we left for different colleges, I called him without him ever making an unsolicited call back. How many times I'd email him after a long period of no communication, only to have him email back that he'd just been thinking about me, and he was so glad I'd written.

[Interesting - as I read back over that paragraph, it's almost laughable how deluded I sound. From what I've written, it seems obvious that I was carrying on a one-sided crush that he was just too nice to nip in the bud. I'm not sure how to show that that wasn't the whole story, but I know that it wasn't. If nothing else, I have the letter he wrote me during our sophomore year of college in which he claimed to have been in love with me since high school. Reading that letter was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever experienced, but we were never quite able to move the words from the page into the real world.]

I could go on for pages trying to explain the complexities of what Drew represents to me. On one hand, it's rather simple - he was my "first love," that one you never really get over. But on the other, I constantly remind myself that what I felt for him was not love, but a kind of worship - one that was based on all the good times I'd had with him and conveniently ignored his potential for callousness. This fact became obvious to me when I realized that my post-high-school periods of pining for Drew nearly always coincided with periods of dissatisfaction with my romantic relationship at the time.

Ah...I digress (and how). The point is that, at the time of this memory, I was deeply immersed in my feelings for Drew, and I had not yet recognized the worst of his character traits. I was, to my mind, in love.

March 14, 1997, 17 years old

It is a rainy morning, and I have just pulled into the parking lot behind the math and science magnet school that I attend every morning before returning to SmallTown High for the afternoon. I sit in my car with the ignition off for a moment, and contemplate that the day before had possibly been the worst of my life. It had been about fifteen hours since the phone had rung in my kitchen, announcing Donna's death. I try to wrap my mind around the idea and find that instead of sorrow, I feel a strange sense of adrenaline, butterflies in my stomach.

I know what this means, and it sickens me. Because here in this parking lot, nearly every morning, I meet up with Drew. We have spent practically an entire two years pretending that it's just coincidence that we arrive at the same time, never admitting that whichever of us gets to school first inevitably dawdles in his or her car until the other pulls in. It's a long way from the parking lot to the school building, and I savor these precious daily moments when Drew and I can walk and talk together.

The butterflies have appeared because today, I can be special. I am, in some perverse way, excited to tell Drew about Donna's death, because I know he'll be moved by my tragedy. I am astounded by my own self-centeredness.

Drew's black Rodeo pulls into the lot, and I start gathering my books. In a phenomenon that I will come to recognize whenever I face trauma, I feel as if my mind and my soul are both working furiously, in opposite directions. It is my soul that has digested the full meaning of losing Donna, and it is from there that the tears well up unpredictably and breathing becomes difficult. My mind has lagged far behind, willfully ignoring what the soul understands, concentrating only on the superficial, the opportunistic, the here and now.

Drew and I walk together under my umbrella, and I give him some indication to ask me what's wrong. He does, and I ask if he remembers the English teacher I had told him about. The morning before, Donna had lay in a hospital, on life support after being slammed into by a driver asleep at the wheel. Drew nods, and I can feel the butterflies whipped into a fury as my mind anticipates the impact my words will have. Before I can speak, however, Drew gives a little laugh and says, "What? Did he sexually harass you or something?" For a split second, my mind flares, fully pissed that he would ruin this perfect moment of revelation. He has confused Donna with another of my English teachers, one that, I had recently mentioned, gave me a strange vibe.

Suppressing that flash of anger, I maintain my somber tone and explain to him what has happened. Now he is gratifyingly distraught, stopping in the rain to hug me close, and looking at me with newly concerned eyes. He stumbles over an apology about his initial comment, and I wave it aside. I don't want to think about his gaffe and how it intruded on the buildup of my dramatic moment. I just want to keep his arm around me.

Throughout all this, my soul is crying out. How can I possibly be exploiting my own sorrow so selfishly? How can I be thinking about Drew's embrace, when I have lost someone so close? Am I really so cold? My mind retaliates, rationalizing that Donna would be glad that she could help me, even in her death. It conjures up the image of her, looking down from a cloud, giving me the ol' thumbs-up.

My soul is not appeased, but it won't win out on this day. My mind is too strong, too taken with its own shrewd devices. I rest my head on Drew's shoulder and allow him to worry over me for the rest of the morning.

For quite a while afterwards, I was ashamed of my thoughts and actions that day. All I could see was my own selfishness, my desire for Drew's attention overwhelming even my strongest emotions. But from this vantage point, six years later, I am less harsh towards the 17-year-old that I was. What happened that day was not the result of some congenital crippling of my emotional existence. Instead, I realize that the division between my mind and my soul was the only way I could arm myself to face the world, fifteen hours after part of it had come crashing down. My dispassionate mind kept me together that day the only way that it knew how.

I can pinpoint the moment when mind and soul re-fused, and I was forced to contemplate the full consequences of Donna's death. I am grateful that none of my peers were there to witness it.

2003-03-11T16:29:00.000-05:00

It occurs to me that, as fun for me as putting down these memories is, they're probably not all that interesting for my "readership" (all three or so of them) without some sense of who I am now and where I am in my life. So I'll try to interject a present-day entry every now and then, just to keep things on an even keel. The first of these will be a little piece of current biography:

I am twenty-three years old, rapidly approaching twenty-four, and have for the last six months made my home in Atlanta, Georgia. Before moving to the world of peach trees and traffic jams, I spent a little over a year living in New York City. If you've read more than a couple of entries in this blog, you know that I'm a SmallTown girl, but my relatively enlightened parents and plenty of horizon-broadening experiences in high school and college made the transition from SmallTown to Big City much smoother than it might have been.

I lived in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and I would do it again without much hesitation. I could never be a hardcore New Yorker, but I loved all the little things about it that people always say they love. I miss my Brooklyn neighborhood, and I miss all the details you experience because you walk everywhere. I miss the awesome hummus and stuffed grape leaves at the hole-in-the-wall three blocks from my place. I miss that frisson of striding down the sidewalk on a chilly evening, feeling every bit the girl-in-the-city. But I don't miss the long winter, or the mouse that made his home in my toaster, or the lack of access to a Target. I don't miss my bedroom, so small that my double bed touched three of its four walls. And I certainly don't miss the obscene portion of my paycheck that I had to fork over to my landlord each month.

I left New York and moved to Georgia for, well, love. My boyfriend, Blue, and I have been together for almost two years now, and when he got a great job in Atlanta, my roots in New York weren't deep enough to keep me from going with him. I have no regrets about making the move - I love Blue, and I love the life we're building together. So, if (when) I use this space to complain about my inability to find gainful employment that doesn't consider alphabetizing a primary skill-set, or about my increasingly womanizer-like attempts to make some female friends, or about the fact that I've traded the half-hour of reading time that was my subway commute for twenty minutes of death-defying automotive maneuvers, know that despite it all, I am confident that my decision to move to this stupid city was the right one.

And I mean that.

About the city being stupid, yeah, but also about my decision being right. This assurance doesn't mean I haven't dealt with some serious bouts of insecurity, loneliness, and general confusion as I try to figure out what I'm doing with my life. It seems the "quarter-life crisis" is almost a rite of passage these days. But the more I replace pitying myself with challenging myself, the better I feel. These days, I'm feeling okay.

2003-03-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

The most rudimentary way that I classify my early memories is "old house/new house." Just after my sixth birthday, my family moved from one part of SmallTown to another, upgrading our house in both size and quality. The move provides a line of demarcation, and I can almost always place a memory on one side of that line or the other, whether the memory actually took place at my house or not. It helps me arrange my memory timeline a little more accurately in those nebulous pre-third-grade years.

This is an "old house" memory, though I can't get much more specific than that. (Remember, all dates are approximate.)

Spring 1984, 4 years old

I am in the living room of the old house, sitting on the couch with my brother, who is two years older. There are a number of magazines on the coffee table in front of us. One of them is a newsmagazine - probably Time - and its cover features a photo portrait of a native African woman. The context of the conversation is lost to me, but just as my mother comes into the room, I point to the picture and refer to the woman as a "n****r." I have no memory of where I had heard the word, or how I knew that it was associated with dark-skinned people. What I do remember is my mother's uncharacteristically swift and furious response: "Don't you EVER let me hear you say that word again! EVER!"

I am shocked. My mother generally belongs to the "patient, but firm" school of parenting, and I have never heard her raise her voice to me so unexpectedly. She realizes then that I don't understand the repugnance of the concept that the word represents, and her tone softens. She explains to my brother and me that that word is not, and will never be, acceptable for us to use. Somehow, I understand that it belongs in a category beyond even the cuss words I've heard older kids trying out around the neighborhood.

Years later, I will understand intellectually why the "n-word" has no place in my vocabulary. But no intellectual understanding will ever take the place of my mother's stunningly visceral reaction. My intellect tells me I should not use that word. The seed my mother planted means I cannot.

2003-03-05T17:01:00.000-05:00

Donna was one of my high school teachers, and she was my friend. She was young, smart, and ambitious - qualities all too rare at SmallTown High. For me, she represented that shining world outside SmallTown, the one I would join full-time once I got to college. In that world, I figured, I would be surrounded by people like Donna, and I couldn't wait to get there.

If this sounds like a eulogy, there is good reason. Donna was killed in a car accident in March of 1997, my senior year of high school. She was 28 years old. There is much I could write about the day of Donna's death, its effect on me, and the continuing effect she has had on my life, and perhaps at some point I will. But not this time.

December 1996, 17 years old

When the school year started in September of 1996, Donna was no longer teaching at SmallTown High. She had left in preparation for pursuing her second master's degree - one in creative writing to complement the one in liberal arts she had obtained four years earlier. We stayed in touch with occasional letters - she would send me short stories she'd written, I'd ask her to critique my college application essays. She lived a few hours away, with her husband of just over a year. We didn't see each other in person that often.

On the December day in question, Donna and I have met in Mediumville to have lunch and catch up. We eat at Shakers, and talk about our plans. I'm waiting to hear about early admission to my college of choice. Donna is weighing potential fellowships. We gossip a little about students and teachers in SmallTown. Finishing lunch, we head over to the nearby mall. Donna has something there she needs to pick up.

Walking through one of the anchor department stores, I'm struck with the sense that Donna and I are a bit of an odd couple. To the outside observer, our age difference is obvious, but our closeness should be too. Donna isn't anywhere near old enough to be my mother, but a bit too old to be my mall buddy. I wonder outloud if someone, seeing us, might think we are sisters. As I say this, we are walking past one of the many mirrored columns that decorate the store. We stop in front of this mirror, Donna just behind me with her hands on my shoulders, and contemplate the two faces in the reflection - Donna's round and ruddy, framed by thick, auburn hair; mine small-featured and angular, set off by a stick-straight blondish bob. The idea that anyone might think us related is patently absurd.

We laugh and move on. We'll never be sisters, but there is something overwhelmingly sisterly about that moment, that image of the two faces, close together in the mirror. This day is the last one I will ever spend with Donna. This image of her is the one I will always remember.

2003-02-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

I don't have a lot of female friends. A few years ago, in a more immature time, I may have been That Girl - the one who claims that other girls just don't like her, and that she'd much rather hang out with her guy friends. Since then, I've realized the childish competition and insecurity inherent in that attitude. I still have close relationships with several guy friends, but I also have a much greater appreciation and desire for close female friendships. Unfortunately, developing and keeping those can be harder than it sounds, particularly once you're out of school, in a serious relationship, and in a city far away from the female friends you do have.

All of this makes me nostalgic for one of the most uncomplicated friendships of my youth. The friend was Mac, a girl I had known since early childhood, but with whom I didn't really become close friends until she moved down the street from me when we were about nine. There are hundreds of stories I could tell about Mac - she was the girl-down-the-street, my primary companion. From ages nine to twelve, I spent more time with Mac than with any other person outside my family. Though we had our conflicts and competitions, there was something very steady and reliable about our friendship, and I suppose that's the way good friendships should be.

Mac moved away from SmallTown just before seventh grade, and that loss genuinely affected me. Though I certainly developed other friendships throughout middle school and high school, none of them were ever quite as straightforward and easy as it was with Mac. Much of that is almost certainly due to the onset of adolescence and its ability to wreak havoc on all kinds of peer relationships. But I also wonder - if Mac had stayed the girl-down-the-street with me through our teenage years, would I have a better idea of how to handle female friendships now?

The following is perhaps my strongest memory of the friendship Mac and I shared. I think it resonates because I have never quite managed to duplicate that sense of no-questions-asked on-call-ness in my friendships since then.

Fall 1990, 11 years old

It's after school, and I'm alone in my house. My mother will be home later, held up by some sort of faculty meeting at the elementary school where she teaches. Until then, I'm just killing some time, and talking on the phone to Mac. (To this day, I still remember the phone number she had back then - it's burned into my brain right next to that of my sixth-grade boyfriend.) Her mom is in the background, fixing dinner. I'm using the phone in my parents' bedroom, sitting on top of their dresser, and leaning back against the oversized mirror that covers most of the wall behind me. Absorbed in the conversation, I fail to realize that the mirror, rather than being attached to the wall, is simply propped there, with its bottom edge resting on the dresser. A few fidgets later, the left side of the mirror slips off its resting place on the dresser, and crashes down hard into the space between the dresser and the wall. This, of course, forces the right side off as well, and following another crash, the whole mirror is now resting heavily on the floor.

By some small miracle, the frame and glass remain intact, but the mirror is much too large for me to move on my own. Scenes of my mother's reaction upon returning home flash ominously through my 11-year-old imagination. On the other end of the line, Mac has heard the crashes and my gasp, and I fill her in on the debacle in front of me. Before I even realize what's happening, Mac has commanded me not to touch anything and to expect her at my front door in forty-five seconds. And then she's hung up.

True to her word, Mac tells her mother simply that I need help with "something," and sprints across the two front yards that separate our own. Within five minutes, she has helped me re-hoist the mirror, deftly hidden a chip on the mirror frame behind my mother's jewelry box, given me a big hug to calm my nerves, and raced back to her house in time for dinner. I am left feeling as if the whole emergency never happened, and to this day, that is certainly what my parents think.

I have my chance to return the favor some months after, when a nervously home-alone Mac calls me to say there's a strange man knocking on her front door. Taking the backyard route, I slip into Mac's kitchen, and together we are strong enough to stand resolutely out of sight behind the door until the man goes away.

Just one down-the-street girl looking out for another.

2003-02-24T17:26:00.000-05:00

Every girl has her bad boy crush at some point in her life. Mine was Wheels, the boy who reappeared at SmallTown High after having lived in the mysterious world of "somewhere else" since early elementary school. As absurd as my desperate crush on Wheels appears to me now, thinking about his smile still gives me butterflies. Such is the power of the bad boy.

Summer 1994, 15 years old

First piece of background: My mother's sister lives in Australia, and during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school, Mom and I went to visit her. It was an eye-opening trip in many ways, not the least of which was finding out just how much more "cultured" Auntie was than we. We also discovered just how much "cultured activities" can equal boredom.

Second piece of background: The aforementioned Wheels had solidified himself as my hardcore crush by the end of our freshman year, mainly by sitting behind me and flirting with me in, of all places, Latin class. (I know what you're thinking, but he really was a bad boy, I swear! He even stole a car once! Okay, it was his grandparents' car, and he brought it back, but still. I was certainly scandalized. He mooned people from a school bus window - how about that? It got him kicked off the baseball team, at least...) I was convinced that he was only a few more classes away from recognizing our joint destiny when summer inconveniently arrived. I have pictures that I took of him during Latin class on the last day of school. (Need I even tell you that I only pretended to have brought my camera for more general last-day-of-school reasons?) I also ended up in some pictures from that day, and I am wearing what, at age 15, was my most seductive outfit: a shortsleeved black bodysuit (the kind that snapped in the crotch) featuring a surprisingly low-cut neck, and dark green shorts with the legs rolled up as far as dress code and decency rules would allow. I seem to remember that I got those shorts at Cato - some people will appreciate all that that implies - and that they came with a black "leather" belt sporting a large, slightly southwestern-style buckle. I was, of course, wearing the belt that day as well. Despite such a carefully put-together ensemble, Wheels never took the hint, and I entered the summer of 1994 with my love for him unrequited, any chance of seeing him quashed both by summer and by spending three weeks of that summer on the other side of the world.

All that somewhat digressive background brings us to somewhere near Sydney, Australia, where my mother and I are attending a dinner party with Auntie, her husband, and some of their friends. The actual dinner has come and gone, and all that I remember of it is my introduction to mascarpone. The adults are solidly into a post-dinner conversation involving Australian politics, and though I didn't realize it at the time, I can almost guarantee that my mom is nearly as bored as I am. It is late enough, and dull enough, that I can get away with actually resting my forehead on the dinner table, something Mom would normally never let me do at our own house, much less at someone else's.

In the distinct memory I have of that night, my forehead is down, but my eyes are open, and I'm staring unseeingly at my shoes under the table. In my mind's eye, all I see is Wheels. I imagine him smiling at me, holding my hand, sitting next to me at a basketball game, so close that my entire leg touches his. And in my supreme conviction that he will soon see the inevitability of our pairing, I imagine telling him about this night - about how I escaped interminable boredom by daydreaming about him and his smile and his soon-to-be-proclaimed love for me. It will be a funny story for me to tell, particularly when he responds by listing the myriad times that same summer that he drifted into reverie thinking about me.

It will come as no shock to anyone who was ever fifteen (or even just in love with a fifteen-year-old boy) that these revelations never came to pass. No, the closest I ever came to such a deep conversation with Wheels was listening silently on another extension while Volt, my best friend at the time, called him and not-so-slickly tried to get him to discuss how he felt about me. Because that's just the kind of bold, liberated, confident 90s woman I was.

2003-01-23T13:51:00.000-05:00

Recently, this memory has started coming to me every time I'm washing dishes. I can only assume that I was washing dishes when it first occurred as well.

Fall, 1994, 15 years old

I'm (presumably) washing dishes at my home in SmallTown. It's a weekend night, and I'm sure I don't have any real plans - sophomore year of high school generally involved nights out at the movies or the bowling alley with my brother and his friends or nothing at all. The phone rings, and it's KuteJock, a guy one year ahead of me in school. KuteJock and I are friends in a weird sort of way. We have a few classes together, and he flirts with me in the same teasing way he flirts with most girls. He is definitely cute and pretty popular, as much as anyone can be at such a small school. I guess we must have talked on the phone a few times before, because I don't remember being shocked at having him on the line.

He invites me to go to a movie with him in Mediumville, the "city" closest to SmallTown, and I ask him to hang on so I can check with my parents. My hand over the mouthpiece, I tell them the situation and get their permission, but not before my mom asks if he even has a car to drive to Mediumville. I tell her, "Of course he does, a little Chevette," and perk my way back onto the phone. KuteJock immediately corrects me by saying he has a Dodge Horizon, NOT a Chevette. (At the time, I figured he was nitpicking, but now that I've actually seen a Chevette, I feel like I owe him an apology.)

Plans are made, KuteJock picks me up (I don't think he comes to the door, but I probably don't give him the chance), and we go to the movie. I haven't the slightest idea now what we saw. But halfway through the movie, I become aware of a vibe that may indicate that KuteJock is thinking about something other than the movie. I am petrified, and I distinctly remember that feeling of gluing my eyes to the screen and refusing to look in his direction. I'm not sure exactly what I think he might "try," but it could run the gamut from the ol' arm-around to the embarrassment of an attempted kiss. We make it through the flick with no incident, and I have no other memories of the night itself.

But here's the thing that makes me laugh now as I look back on what sounds like such a stereotypical high school experience. It did not occur to me until years later that I was on a date that night. How I missed that, I'll never know. What concealed it from me? The ever sneaky phone call ahead of time? The extraordinary picking me up at my house? The unorthodox movie theater location?

The truth is, I had simply grown so used to being "the smart kid" in our town and school (see my previous entry) that I was completely incapable of thinking of myself as "date" material. It wasn't low self-esteem, really. It was just acceptance of my space in the social scheme of SmallTown. By sophomore year, however, I was starting to blossom a little more physically, and I was never completely out of touch with the "popular" group. I can only imagine what poor KuteJock must have thought when I refused to look him in the eye, gave him thanks and a nice, big hug when he dropped me off, and then headed back to school on Monday without a second thought to calling him again or seeking him out in the hall.

I can only imagine what my parents thought as well, sending their little girl off on her first date. I wonder if they realized that my breezy confidence was due to my complete obliviousness.

It makes me a little sad now that I was so oblivious, because a date with KuteJock is something that I should have reveled in, at least a little. He wasn't in love, or even interested in "going steady" (or whatever we were calling it at the time). Nevertheless, pulling a date with KuteJock was a bit of a coup for a girl like me. And I think it represented a subtle change in my social status that, true to form, I didn't really recognize until after I was out of high school. It's too bad - it might have been fun to have lived in that moment.

2003-01-22T15:18:00.000-05:00

This memory hit me today, and I felt compelled to put it down, not because I might forget it - I don't think I ever will - but because I have no idea what has happened to the protagonist in it, and I hope that he's made a good life for himself.

First Weekend in June, 1990, 11 years old

Two things you should know for context:

First - When I was in elementary and middle school, I went to the national spelling bee four years in a row. It wasn't really that big of a feat, coming from my small area, but I was the first one to go from my town, and - particularly the first year - a huge deal was made out of it. That first year, I headed up to D.C., riding this ridiculous wave of hype, and managed to go out on my very first word.

Second - My hometown holds a festival every year, during the first weekend in June. It started as a slightly larger version of our standard First Saturday flea market, and has since grown into a a weekend of children's shows, musical acts, fairground-type rides, and the like. In a town as small as my hometown, this constitutes a very big deal.

It must be Sunday, because I have just gotten back from my first-ever week of spelling bee activities in D.C. (Much to the bee's credit, the actual competition only takes up two days of the week. The rest of the time is spent in fun social activities and outings with all the other participants and their families.) I've gone out on my very first word, and while I'm over the initial upset about that, I'm not sure what the folks back at school will think. Inflated by big-fish-small-pond syndrome, my reputation is that of an almost-prodigy, though college would later prove that to be an extreme exaggeration. How to explain to kids and teachers alike my lightning-quick exit?

Having missed the first day of our town festival while traveling home from D.C., I'm at the park - this was back when the festival was held at the old park - taking in some kind of puppet or magic show. The show is being held on the concrete stage that rested on the side of the park's steep hill, with logs-for-seats rising up the side of the hill, amphitheater-style. Some kids from my class are there, and of course they ask about the bee. I tell them the truth, trying to be nonchalant, but cringing at my obvious failure. And then Monty - a kid I've known since kindergarten, but only through school, never the smartest or the best behaved or the funniest, but always somehow rising a little above the boys of his peer group - says, "It's okay. You did really good just to get to go."

It was the obvious polite response - one I would hear repeatedly from myriad adults over the following weeks - but such a perceptive and compassionate one coming from the mouth of a ten-year-old boy. Over and over, it had been drilled into me (and god, probably my classmates) that I was so smart and gifted and that I was going to go up to Washington and blow the competition away. When it didn't happen, I had to work to understand it myself, and I didn't really expect the other kids to. I figured on backlash, not entirely undeserved. But Monty's was the first reaction I got, and I was just so relieved. Instead of laughing or making fun of me after all that build-up, he comforted me. It sounds so small, but it didn't seem that way at the time, and it doesn't seem that way to me now, considering that it came from a fifth-grader.

All of which leads me to wonder whatever happened to Monty. He was of a demographic (black, male, from a single-parent household) that didn't always get the best breaks in my small southern town. I remember him in high school as a grown-up version of his elementary school self - a little smarter, a little more polite, a little more committed to school than a lot of the guys in my class. But also with a temper, and a group of friends that wasn't always conducive to post-high-school success. There were a number of guys like Monty, and keeping them from falling through the cracks was, I'm sure, a driving motivation for many of my teachers. But it wasn't always easy - for every one that went into the military, or pursued mechanical drawing at the local community college, there were two more who faltered through the end of high school into no future at all.

Which path did Monty take? Infuriatingly, I can't even remember for sure if he graduated with my class. (This is particularly ridiculous because, by graduation, my class included less than 70 people.) A web search on his (unusual) full name turns up nothing. Enough questions around my town might eventually provide some sort of answer. But I'm afraid of hearing that his potential has been squandered, that he wasn't able to rise above. And I'm doubly afraid of hearing something and finding myself judging him. Because that's exactly what he didn't do to me that day in the park. Instead, perhaps I'll just remember what a good person he was in that moment and hope he remains so today.

2003-01-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

I feel obligated to start this thing off with an entry about my earliest memory. But I'll be honest with you - I'm not really sure what that is. In recent years, I have decided that a very vague memory which I've always held on to for completely unfathomable reasons must, in fact, be my "earliest." Why else would it have stuck with me all these years? Regardless, it'll do to kick things off.

Summer, 1982, 3 years old
(Two ground rules that will apply to this and all future entries: All Names are Changed, and All Dates are Approximate. Keep 'em in mind.)

I'm on the porch at the house two doors down from mine. This is the house of the O'Neighbors, and in particular, their daughter Corn. Corn is exactly six months older than me, although this is something the two of us won't figure out until years later. At this point in my life, Corn is my best friend, mainly because I have been babysat by her mother since I was old enough to be away from mine. Unfortunately, right around this time, Corn and her family are getting ready to move to the other side of the state. (I remember very little about the whole tragic event, but, amazingly, Corn and I managed to stay friends for the next twelve years, visiting each other's houses every single summer until we hit high school.)

On the porch with me are Corn and her dad, The Marine. (He's not really a Marine. He's a lawyer. But he served some time in the military when he was younger, and never lost the demeanor or the buzz cut. Nevertheless, he's a very nice man.) Something in the memory tells me this happened while the O'Neighbors were in the process of actually moving out of their house - I couldn't tell you if that's actually the truth. Something else tells me that Corn and I are each wearing a cute little Sunday dress, complete with smocking, and T-strap Mary Janes - I'm almost certain that's not true, because that image is stolen directly from an unrelated picture of Corn and me in a family photo album.

So, with all this build-up, what is the actual memory? It's The Marine, crouching with us on the concrete porch, up against the brick house, just under the porch swing, picking up a Daddy-Long-Legs spider by one of its legs. He's showing Corn and me that this kind of spider isn't one to be afraid of. And he almost makes it seem like he is picking up a kitten or puppy - a tiny, delicate pet.

And that's it - that's the whole memory. In fact, it's stuck in my head less as something that happened and more as tableau that I was a part of. It's odd that such a prosaic little moment would stay with me, but it has. It has always been a part of my impression of The Marine, and I have never been able to kill a Daddy-Long-Legs. How could I, when obviously the right thing to do is pick him up by the leg and move him out of harm's way?

2003-01-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

Mnemosyne was the ancient Greek goddess of memory. From her name, we get the English words "mnemonic" (a tool for triggering memory) and "amnesia" (the loss of memory). Mnemosyne was also mother to the Muses, the goddesses of inspiration, learning, and the arts.

I could parlay that information into some sort of high-minded discourse that justifies the creation of this blog. And, as a matter of fact, I did - in my first entry, which I left up for exactly twenty-four hours before I couldn't stand to look at it anymore. It has now disappeared into the ether, so much the better for all of us.

I'm keeping my alias as Mnemosyne, though, because I like it, pretentious or not. And I (secondarily) majored in Classical Studies in college, so that gives me some sense of entitlement. It's not like I get to use that major for anything else.

I'm twenty-three years old, struggling through that post-college crisis of identity. In the course of avoiding thoughts about the future, I've been thinking a lot about the past. I think it's related to the realization that where I grew up isn't really "home" anymore. Not an original realization, I know, but it affects me nonetheless. Maybe it's because I spent my entire childhood and adolescence in the same small town, and now I live far away from it. Maybe that makes me feel that, for the first time, a part of my life is really over and gone. Whatever the reason, I've been rediscovering a lot of old memories recently, and it's been fun. I can compare it to nothing so much as digging through an old drawer and finding forgotten thing after forgotten thing - and being amazed that you can recall so much detail about each, once your memory is prompted.

It's got me worried, though - if I don't dig often enough and deep enough, what kinds of moments and stories and emotions will I lose forever? I've always had a prodigious ability to forget things - names, faces, appointments for important job interviews, you name it. What if, in a few more years, some of the things I enjoy stumbling over in the junk drawer of my memory disappear? Will I even know they're gone? Maybe not, but I'll have lost something anyway. At the very least, so many of these little memories make me smile. More importantly, they give me a sense of my own history - of the time that I have passed and the ways that it has (or hasn't) changed me.

So MNEMON is to be a record of these memories. There won't be any chronological order to them, as I'll mostly be writing about the first vivid memory I can dig up each day. I'm hoping that by putting these moments down in writing, I'll preserve them against my decaying powers of recall and create a handy catalogue of stories with which to bore my grandkids some day. Is this an almost entirely self-indulgent exercise? Absolutely. Will it provide some entertainment value for you, the random blog surfer? Well, I hope so, though I'm not betting the farm on it. It is what it is, and that's that.

With that caveat, and an apology to L.L. Cool J, let's do this, Brutus.